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2005-07-15 - 8:19 p.m. I feel such ironic stagnation surrounded by an environment of constant change and uncertainty. I think that stagnation stems from this sense of “halfness” – “half”-married (given that Steve and I live in different cities), “half”-doctor (having only finished the first year of my Family Practice residency before having to start my ‘payback’ to the Navy), “half” of a home (because the upcoming 4 – 5 months, I will be spending less than 50% of my time in my beautiful apartment since my ship is will be going out on short trips), and just “half” a part of my usual society, since few people can relate to all the above “half”’s (“halves”?) Having started as the Medical Officer and only doctor on my ship two months ago, things have changed in ways that I would have never imagined. I spent the first week on my time there thinking, “this isn’t happening to me?”; “there MUST be some way to change my position/location”- “no, what the hell am I thinking, this is the US Military. There’s no choice!” And inbetween these thoughts, sobbing to Steve about the fear that I wouldn’t be able to get through two years of this. Needless to say, the human body and mind have an incredible ability to adapt to the particular situations it’s placed in, and meeting people in similar situations somehow makes me feel safe; i.e. if other’s can do it, surely I shouldn’t have any problems. The learning curve being on a ship is even steeper than your first year of internship, if that’s even fathom-able. I mean, in internship, at least you know you’re dealing with something in Medicine that you’ve likely encountered in some shape or form at some point your past four years of medical school. On a ship as a medical person, it’s not the medical part that’s challenging, but attempting to somehow learn the language of ship-ness – something that nothing in life can really prepare you for. And some relate it to learning a foreign language, but even in learning a foreign language, there are some known grammar rules and modes of learning and organization that are somewhat familiar. There is absolutely nothing familiar to me about how the engineering department on a ship makes the engines run- NOTHING familiar at all. It’s like being placed in a foreign country and being told – learn the language, the infrastructure, where people work and what they do, and oh, by the way, you’re the only doctor, so take care of people’s medical concerns, too! A little overwhelming, but my staff is amazing, and I’ve met some truly inspiring, compassionate people whom I respect despite their drastically different backgrounds and political beliefs. And while I will rarely be medically challenged, these two years will surely prove trying in many different ways. I think I’ll be one of the few people ecstatic to return to a residency, since I’m already craving intellectual challenge in an academic environment. We had a lecture today from a Nurse Practitioner who went with the Mercy (hospital ship on the west coast) to help with the humanitarian mission in Indonesia after the tsunami – some incredible stories of what they did, what they couldn’t do (the life saving surgeries to denying people certain care towards the end because they – the ship - were leaving and there was no other hospital or place in Banda Aceh that could continue that person’s care if they put in a PICC line, or did a surgery because everything, all infrastructure, had been destroyed), the different NGO’s they worked with, working with the Indonesian army, teaching First Aid, CPR; the cultural things they had to learn – for example, they brought many people on the ship for care, and a few instances, people died, and in Indonesian culture, they had to be wrapped a certain way, buried before the next sunrise, and they would do everything they could to either try to get them off the ship before imminent death or comply with the cultural norms of burial – just some really crazy shit. I really hope that at some point, my ship becomes involved in a Humanitarian Assistance effort. Despite all my reservations above, I am trying to see this is as an opportunity to really be a leader in my medical department, train my Corpsman (people who’ve had some minimal medical training), and trying to keep reading as much as I can. I’m certainly developing skills I probably never would have, like persuading your boss (who knows no medicine) on the medically-appropriate things to do, even if it means that a sailor will not be able to work for a while. The crazy thing is meeting new people who have no idea what my weird situation is and trying to even start explaining is like trying to tell my life story on a first date…sigh Ok, I have to go cook right now. I’m hungry =)
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